School

I have offically made it through my first week of school! YAY me!! I didn't really realize how hard it was going to be, not that its so tough I am not going to be able to accomplish it, It's just that I have not done this in almost 10 years so its going to take some rearranging things so that i can accomplish my goals.

So far the boys seem to be LOVING kindergarten! Im glad that they each like their teachers. Chad made fun of me when we dropped all the kiddos off at school on their first day because i started crying about the boys. I was worried that they were going to get lost, or that something bad was going to happen. I know I know, a bit dramatic, but hey I'm so totally a mom!

Bailey seems to really like her teacher too. She has a couple friends of hers in her class so that makes me happy. She is so enthusiastic about school. I love that. She is starting to figure out so much more about the world, I sometimes wish I could see inside of her head to see what she is thinking.

Chad FINALLY made it home a couple days before I started school. I'm glad that he will be home for a while now. He has a class to go to in November for him to be able to get his promotion in the army but at least this time its not for that long of a time period. Im very proud of him and the work that he is doing. He is also back into training to be a body builder. It's his dream and I am going to try really hard to support him through it this time. It just is hard sometimes because he spends alot of time at the gym, and he is going to start working saturdays at peterbilt again, so its going to seem like we are never going to see eachother. I just have to remind myself that its not forever and we have to do what we have to do to get through all of this.

We went to denver for Caydence's appointment. Its a really long update so im going to suggest that you go check it out on her care page at http://www.carepages.com/carepages/CaydencesSpirit because it would make typing it out much easier for me.

All in all things are going pretty good. Now for me to just survive this first semester and we will be doing great!!

This past week has been a huge eye opener for me. I have learned things about people who I thought were good friends that maybe they arent and then learned that people I hadnt really thought of as very good friends are.... It's a very interesting change of events. I am finally to a point in my life where I just dont want to have the drama any longer. My family doesn't need and neither do I. It saddens me to think that I have been very close to someone for a while and find out that maybe they are not who I originally thought.

But on a different note, my nephew Maverick is starting the path on his heart journey. He finally went in for his open heart surgery today, and we are hoping that all goes well. He is such a strong little guy. The surgery ended up getting started late, and he really didnt cry all that much at all. My heart goes out to my brother and his fiance because even though the situation is different as Cayde and my nephew have completely different heart problems I know kind of how they feel. Handing your child over and not knowing when you are going to see them, and keeping complete faith in the doctors that they are going to take really good care of your child is hard. Right before they took him, I really did not know what to say to either of them, because in that moment there is nothing that anyone can say that will make them feel better. Its hard.

Bailey, Blaine, and Ely all start school the day after I do. The boys are really excited about getting to go to school, and so is Bailey. I have a feeling that I am going to turn into that mom who sits in the car crying for a while after dropping them all off to school for their first day. Chad I think is going to have just as hard of a time with it as I am, although he's not going to show it like I do. I am really scared about going back to school. With Caydence having signs of the pulmonary vein stenosis progressing, I am starting to wonder if going back to school is such a good idea. I know that in the long run this is going to be better for my whole family, but I am scared of what's going to happen. Chad is going to have to probably do more doctor visits and all of that as I really can't take much time away from school.

We go on monday to meet with the Neurologist to talk to them about these seizures that Caydence is having in her sleep. I am scared about what they are going to say. If it is an actual seizure disorder there is a chance that she could be disqualified for the transplant. But on the other hand if this is a progression of the PVS that's just as scary as we don't really have much information on it at all. I guess at this point we just wait and see what they say and go from there. We got the offical Transplant Listing letter in the mail for her Lung Transplant. That's a scary step too because now we know that is the direction that eventually we will be headed down. I just hope that it gets clearer as the time gets closer on exactly what we should do. There is so much unknown that it makes the decision that much harder.

So we are back to the old saying Live, Love, and Laugh often, as you never know if there is going to be another tomorrow.

Life lessons....

I am beginning to realize that life really is far too short. In the last 2 weeks I have lost 2 people to suicide.... Not quite sure why they chose such a drastic permanent measure for a temporary problem. I will never understand this. It's such a tragic thing and the people left behind are the ones who are grieving and hurting the most from something that is one of the most selfish acts there is.

With all of that being said I also realize that life is to precious to waste. We are really only given a short amount of time here, and we should live it to our full potential. The old saying of Live, Laugh, and Love really is something that I have tried to accustom myself too. I love my family and I only want to spend each day with them as much as possible.

Plus Caydence I think has been a huge eye opener not only for myself but Chad, and my family. There really is no certainty on how long we are going to be here, and the hardest thing for anyone to ever hear is that they most likely will outlive their child. Which honestly I dont think really was ingrained in any of our heads until we went to Saint Louis to start the process of getting her listed for the Lung Transplant. I never in a million years would have thought that this would be our reality, but here we are, and here we go. I for one am chosing to spend the time I have with her happily. I dont want to look back and regret anything when it comes to her or any of my other children. This is something that everyone I believe should turn into a practice. Rather than telling them not right now, or I'm too busy, it is far too easy to take a moment of your time to spend with your children.

So here is my hope, that we all make changes within ourselves for the better. Im not saying that they have to be huge or even drastic. Just remember they they are only little for a short time, and you never know what each day will bring. I for one dont want to regret it!

Yay!

Bailey and Blaine are home! I am so thankful to have all of my children under neath the same roof at night. I missed them terribly.

As soon as the pulled into the parking lot in the semi with John, they were pinging off the walls to get out! I can not believe how much Blaine has grown in only 6 weeks. Him and Ely are now about the same height. Bailey looks so cute with her little hair cut!

Of course they talked me into going out for ice cream as soon as we picked up Caydence and Ely from my mom's house.

So here is one happy mom saying thank goodness for the simple things in life! The only way this night could be any more perfect was if Chad was home with us too. But that will be soon!

Another road on this journey....

Early Tuesday morning at around 2:30 am I was getting ready to bed and heard Caydence's bed moving around. I went in there to see what she was doing (as she is very well known for waking up and wanting to party in the middle of the night!) and found her in the middle of a seizure. I completely panicked!! I made sure that she got through it ok, and thankfully this didn't last very long, but I was literally scared to death! She has never had one while she has been sleeping before. The ones while she is awak is scary enough, but this one was horrible! I called Chad (who even though he was in texas helped out alot!) And he told me to call 911 which I didnt do. Thankfully he got ahold of our wonderful neighbors and he came down and got Ely to take down to his house while I drove Caydence to the hospital, with a stop at Nana's house to wake her up to go with us.

When we got there, they took us right back to the emergency room, but unfortunately they were dealing with some VERY sick other babies. We tried to get a CT of her head, but NOTHING that we did to get her to lay down worked. They even at one point gave her syringes full of saline and let her have a "water fight" with the CT maching, but she was not having it!

When they were getting ready to draw blood a couple hours later, I decided that 1) she looked much more like herself and 2) all they were going to do was make her even more mad so I took her home and then to the doctor's later on that yesterday.

The doctors are all about on the same page that they think this is starting to show signs of progression of the pulmonary vein stenosis and the pulmonary hypertension. I was aware of this more than likely happening, but let me tell you, it's much different to hear that this may be the culprit. I am heart broken right now because there is nothing that I can do to stop this, nor is there anything that the doctors can do or give her because she is already on medicine to help lessen things. The only way that this are likely to stop is if she has the bi-lateral lung transplant.

But with all of that being said, she is the toughest person I know. The next day she was just like herself and we pretty much played most of the day. I was going to keep her home again today, but Caydence had her own plans. She woke up DEMANDING to go to the daycare because all she wants to do is be a child and have fun, and who am I to take that away from her!

So now it sounds like we are going to move on to the next phase of this journey for Caydence. I'm not sure what it's going to bring, but I know that we as a family can make it through all of this. A good friend of mine told me that she believes the reason why Caydence has always done so well, and amazed everyone is because of her down right stubborness. I do believe she is right, but I also believe that she is a special person, and there are great things to come from her. I just wish that some way I could take it all away from her and that this is not the reality that she knows day in and day out. But one thing I do know absolutely is that she will never let this slow her down, and she is my miracle baby through and through!

Kids!!

Wow, what crazy things kids say and do! Caydence is such a silly little girl! She has suddenly started to say "OH MY GOSH" at anything she finds remotely funny or interesting, which seem to be almost anything with her these days. It's hilarious! I love watching her find new things and figure them out. Kids are so full of ambition and are not afraid of all the new things like adults are. Let's face it, every day there is something new for a child to learn. We adults are very afraid of new things.. What a great thing it would be to be inside of a child's mind... I always wonder what is going on in her little brain.

Also right now her new favorite thing is to call my mom Nanny Pattei and my step dad Papa John... it's no longer just regular old Nanny and Papa!! It cracks me up!! We are all pretty sure that she is doing it because of the other kids at the daycare calling them this all day long.

We are yet again looking like we are going to battle a cold... UGH!! I feel so bad for her because there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help... I wish there were times I could take it all away for her!! But she's a pretty strong kiddo!!

Taking that Step!

Now that things are starting to calm down around here with Frontier Days being gone and over, Im really starting to realize what an UN ORGANIZED mess I really am. ITS TIME TO DECLUTTER!! Plus nothing is where it should be and I cant find a thing... not such a good thing when you have 4 little ones to watch and an active husband. He has all kinds of military records to keep straight. And Caydence's stuff needs to probably be filed better....

SOOOOO I have started the step do this.... Which for anyone that actually knows me this is a HUGE deal! Yeah yeah yeah.. shake your heads and say "Really how long will it last?" I know, been there done that. But I'm serious this time! Its time to take the kid gloves off and put the Adult ones on and start acting like it!

And along with all this amazing wanting to make my life simplier stuff, I am going to become A FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT.... Holy cow. Kinda scared about going down that road, but its time that I finally did something! Im sick of not having any education to get me anywhere, and really these days that's what it is all about!

I really want to go to school to be a nurse... With all that has happened with Cayde and all of my neices and nephews I'm pretty positive thats what I want to do with my life. Not saying this is going to be easy because believe me its sooo not going to be, but I will never know unless I finally take the jump and do it.

I still need to go in 2 days and take my placement tests and we will see where that puts me in the restarting school craziness, but I'm going to!! It's going to be hard and I'm sure anyone that loves me or cares about me is going to wish they could duct tape my mouth shut, but I gotta. Its not only going to be better for me, but my family. And my family is the most important thing to me!! So pray for me that my family does not kill me before all of this is over, because We all know i have a hot tempered mouth on me!! Especially in *gasp* the middle of stress (no not me at all right!!)

On a side note I am soooooo excited that Bailey and Blaine will be home next week!! I can't wait... Starting to think that them being gone for this long is crazy... I sure know they don't like it!!

Wow

So much for me having a place for me to share my thoughts!! LOL.

So i have decided to give this one more try! Lets see if with me no longer working at home if i can get this blog thing figured out!!

Caydence is doing well. We started the journey towards her getting a new set of lungs in the future. Right now we are only going to list her and not take any further steps even if a set of lungs becomes available to her. This is because a lung transplant is not like a heart or kidney. Your lungs are exposed to everything in the environment because well you breathe it all in. And because they are going to do a bilateral lung transplant i am not ready for this step. She still currently has the right lung that is not affected in any way. now we do understand that there is a very good possibility that could change, but as of right now I am not ok with potentially taking time away from my baby girl. Chad and I both only want what is best for her and we dont think that taking that step right now is going to be the right choice. So we will continue to keep doing what we have been. Seems to be working out well for us right now and I do not see any reason to change that until the need arises.

As for everything else... all seems well in the Brannaman abode. Chad is gone on another tdy for the Army for a couple more weeks. I'm pretty sure at this point he has been gone more this year than he has been home, but that is something that you learn to live with as an Army wife. Its not like you can say no to the government. I just wish sometimes that he was here more often. It seems like he is missing all of the neater things going on with the kiddos these days. That and Cayde really has turned into quite the daddy's girl!

I am no longer working... Kind of weird not going there every day now. But i kind of like it! This is going to be a great opportunity for me to finally get my butt back into work. I am kind of scared about doing this though. I was never that great at school to begin with and now I am really going to have to make myself do this. This is not only going to be good for me, but my whole family!

Bailey and Blaine are getting to spend their first summer vacation with their father in Washington. I am SOOOOO not like this idea at all. Its hard for me not to have them here with me. Im not used to it at all. But it seems like they are having a good time with him. I just think that going for 6 weeks was a little too long for them to do this the first time around. Oh well. Its almost done and over with now and they will be home soon and all 3 of the older kids will be starting school soon! What an exciting fall this is going to be!

We have full custody of Ely and I couldnt be happier. I sometimes feel bad for his mother because she is missing out on so many wonderful things with that little boy. I know he doesnt understand about any of what has been going on, but he is taking all in great stride. As long as he has his daddy he is a content little man!!

Well thats all for today... I may even post more later!