This past week has been a huge eye opener for me. I have learned things about people who I thought were good friends that maybe they arent and then learned that people I hadnt really thought of as very good friends are.... It's a very interesting change of events. I am finally to a point in my life where I just dont want to have the drama any longer. My family doesn't need and neither do I. It saddens me to think that I have been very close to someone for a while and find out that maybe they are not who I originally thought.

But on a different note, my nephew Maverick is starting the path on his heart journey. He finally went in for his open heart surgery today, and we are hoping that all goes well. He is such a strong little guy. The surgery ended up getting started late, and he really didnt cry all that much at all. My heart goes out to my brother and his fiance because even though the situation is different as Cayde and my nephew have completely different heart problems I know kind of how they feel. Handing your child over and not knowing when you are going to see them, and keeping complete faith in the doctors that they are going to take really good care of your child is hard. Right before they took him, I really did not know what to say to either of them, because in that moment there is nothing that anyone can say that will make them feel better. Its hard.

Bailey, Blaine, and Ely all start school the day after I do. The boys are really excited about getting to go to school, and so is Bailey. I have a feeling that I am going to turn into that mom who sits in the car crying for a while after dropping them all off to school for their first day. Chad I think is going to have just as hard of a time with it as I am, although he's not going to show it like I do. I am really scared about going back to school. With Caydence having signs of the pulmonary vein stenosis progressing, I am starting to wonder if going back to school is such a good idea. I know that in the long run this is going to be better for my whole family, but I am scared of what's going to happen. Chad is going to have to probably do more doctor visits and all of that as I really can't take much time away from school.

We go on monday to meet with the Neurologist to talk to them about these seizures that Caydence is having in her sleep. I am scared about what they are going to say. If it is an actual seizure disorder there is a chance that she could be disqualified for the transplant. But on the other hand if this is a progression of the PVS that's just as scary as we don't really have much information on it at all. I guess at this point we just wait and see what they say and go from there. We got the offical Transplant Listing letter in the mail for her Lung Transplant. That's a scary step too because now we know that is the direction that eventually we will be headed down. I just hope that it gets clearer as the time gets closer on exactly what we should do. There is so much unknown that it makes the decision that much harder.

So we are back to the old saying Live, Love, and Laugh often, as you never know if there is going to be another tomorrow.

Life lessons....

I am beginning to realize that life really is far too short. In the last 2 weeks I have lost 2 people to suicide.... Not quite sure why they chose such a drastic permanent measure for a temporary problem. I will never understand this. It's such a tragic thing and the people left behind are the ones who are grieving and hurting the most from something that is one of the most selfish acts there is.

With all of that being said I also realize that life is to precious to waste. We are really only given a short amount of time here, and we should live it to our full potential. The old saying of Live, Laugh, and Love really is something that I have tried to accustom myself too. I love my family and I only want to spend each day with them as much as possible.

Plus Caydence I think has been a huge eye opener not only for myself but Chad, and my family. There really is no certainty on how long we are going to be here, and the hardest thing for anyone to ever hear is that they most likely will outlive their child. Which honestly I dont think really was ingrained in any of our heads until we went to Saint Louis to start the process of getting her listed for the Lung Transplant. I never in a million years would have thought that this would be our reality, but here we are, and here we go. I for one am chosing to spend the time I have with her happily. I dont want to look back and regret anything when it comes to her or any of my other children. This is something that everyone I believe should turn into a practice. Rather than telling them not right now, or I'm too busy, it is far too easy to take a moment of your time to spend with your children.

So here is my hope, that we all make changes within ourselves for the better. Im not saying that they have to be huge or even drastic. Just remember they they are only little for a short time, and you never know what each day will bring. I for one dont want to regret it!

Yay!

Bailey and Blaine are home! I am so thankful to have all of my children under neath the same roof at night. I missed them terribly.

As soon as the pulled into the parking lot in the semi with John, they were pinging off the walls to get out! I can not believe how much Blaine has grown in only 6 weeks. Him and Ely are now about the same height. Bailey looks so cute with her little hair cut!

Of course they talked me into going out for ice cream as soon as we picked up Caydence and Ely from my mom's house.

So here is one happy mom saying thank goodness for the simple things in life! The only way this night could be any more perfect was if Chad was home with us too. But that will be soon!

Another road on this journey....

Early Tuesday morning at around 2:30 am I was getting ready to bed and heard Caydence's bed moving around. I went in there to see what she was doing (as she is very well known for waking up and wanting to party in the middle of the night!) and found her in the middle of a seizure. I completely panicked!! I made sure that she got through it ok, and thankfully this didn't last very long, but I was literally scared to death! She has never had one while she has been sleeping before. The ones while she is awak is scary enough, but this one was horrible! I called Chad (who even though he was in texas helped out alot!) And he told me to call 911 which I didnt do. Thankfully he got ahold of our wonderful neighbors and he came down and got Ely to take down to his house while I drove Caydence to the hospital, with a stop at Nana's house to wake her up to go with us.

When we got there, they took us right back to the emergency room, but unfortunately they were dealing with some VERY sick other babies. We tried to get a CT of her head, but NOTHING that we did to get her to lay down worked. They even at one point gave her syringes full of saline and let her have a "water fight" with the CT maching, but she was not having it!

When they were getting ready to draw blood a couple hours later, I decided that 1) she looked much more like herself and 2) all they were going to do was make her even more mad so I took her home and then to the doctor's later on that yesterday.

The doctors are all about on the same page that they think this is starting to show signs of progression of the pulmonary vein stenosis and the pulmonary hypertension. I was aware of this more than likely happening, but let me tell you, it's much different to hear that this may be the culprit. I am heart broken right now because there is nothing that I can do to stop this, nor is there anything that the doctors can do or give her because she is already on medicine to help lessen things. The only way that this are likely to stop is if she has the bi-lateral lung transplant.

But with all of that being said, she is the toughest person I know. The next day she was just like herself and we pretty much played most of the day. I was going to keep her home again today, but Caydence had her own plans. She woke up DEMANDING to go to the daycare because all she wants to do is be a child and have fun, and who am I to take that away from her!

So now it sounds like we are going to move on to the next phase of this journey for Caydence. I'm not sure what it's going to bring, but I know that we as a family can make it through all of this. A good friend of mine told me that she believes the reason why Caydence has always done so well, and amazed everyone is because of her down right stubborness. I do believe she is right, but I also believe that she is a special person, and there are great things to come from her. I just wish that some way I could take it all away from her and that this is not the reality that she knows day in and day out. But one thing I do know absolutely is that she will never let this slow her down, and she is my miracle baby through and through!